I Was A Teenage… Blog!

By now, you’ve heard about the hoax of Miley Cyrus’ death. But have you heard about the hoax of her life? Yes, Miley Cyrus never existed. Sorry. I know it’s sad. You’re going to go online and look up all those photos of her again, but it’s true. Poof!

Being a white dude, I was not exposed to the GOTV ads targeting the black electorate. I have to get off my ass and look for them, which is fine because I need to lose weight. There’s one from the WhazzUp guys, you know, from that beer ad in the 1990s. It’s flippin’ awesome! “You got money for pain killers?” As I watched it, I peed my pants and shed a little tear, which is fine because I need to lose the weight… Anyway, I hear that the gay marriage ban in California won because white people didn’t get off their butts to include the black electorate in the effort to stop it. That’s a bummer for gay people. I’m sure that the ban will get overturned eventually once white gay people stop living in the past, find religion, and tell Melissa Etheridge to shut up and pay her taxes. I know. I’m one to speak. I can’t get enough of Sam and Dave. -N

I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of the Obama administration. All this hope - I’m overdosed. I’ve got flowers coming out of my ears! Do you know how hard it is to answer the phone with a flower pot for an ear? It’s dirty. I can’t complain though. Some Americans have it worse. They’ve got hippies coming out of their asses! It’s an epidemic. But even as racism dies in America, I still shed tears for such songs as “We Shall Overcome” and “Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo!” Is that a song? All I know is I don’t know what to do. I’ve lived with 8 years of the Bush administration, and I’m going through withdrawals, too. Gone is the absolute fear and insanity. I’ve got the shakes and the sweats and the drolls. Not pretty! I look like one of those dancing flowers from the 1990s. Whatever you do, don’t play a song for me, Mr. Tamborine Man. -N

I’ve got a close relative who told me they’d move to Canada if John McCain and Sarah Palin win the White House tomorrow. That’s pretty scary because with those two in power, there is no stopping them. No one is safe anywhere. Even French Canadian radio pranksters posing as the France’s president. -N

Turns out British ladies aren’t all that excited about any opportunity to swing with James Bond if he really existed. Duh? He’s gay anyway! -N

If it pays to be a dead celebrity, why aren’t celebrities dying to die? I’m so confused. -N

Wha? Total Request Live is ending! Oh, no! Say it ain’t so Carson! Say it ain’t so! It doesn’t make sense. The room is spinning. Now, it’s caving in. Now, it’s a black hole. Now, I’m pure energy. Now, I’m in another dimension. Now, I’m traveling through time. Now, I’m back in college. Okay, now I’m not too broken up about it. I was just getting starting college when TRL kicked off. Now, I can relax and watch it all over again as if I liked it in the first place. But I still don’t understand why MTV would cancel it. Why not keep it on forever? I mean, if MTV won’t air music videos, and now they won’t air TRL, what is it left with? -N

Now that I’m a self-described Independent, I can make fun of independent bloggers. Let’s take Donklephant for starters. Alan Stewart Carl posted a short piece about how the late-night TV funnymen have been hammering John McCain and Sarah Palin more than Barack Obama and Joe Biden. That’s great! And Carl totally missed the rest of the story that noted how white comics are frightened by joking about Obama. Now here at I Was A Teenage Blog, we’re not scared of such racial humor. We live and die by it. Okay, so here’s my rebuttle to DL Hughley’s country club joke: “Country club? McCain? Yeah, right! They allow only white balls on those links.” -N

The older I get, the more I lean “Independent.” Why? Because I want to mix it up a little, keep people guessing. It’s no fun being an ideological stalwart. It’s no fun being “correct” all the time. No one likes a know-it-all blowhard, right? Being one makes it harder to pick up chicks, you know? I want politicos to pursue my vote. I want pundits to ask me what I thought of the debates on live cable TV. Okay, you got me: I just want Campbell Brown’s baby. You found me out! Actually, being an independent voter is a political way of being an acceptable nuisance. Toby Keith is now a registered independent, so he can keep his music career without giving away his socialist roots. Hey, you think “beer for my horses” was about capitalism. Yeah, right! -N

Remember Ben Stein? First he wrote speeches for Nixon. Then he was that history professor droning in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Then he had his own game show on Comedy Central. Now he’s pretending to be an economist. Don’t you love it when Hollywood sticks its nose in other people’s business? I saw Expelled. It sucked, and I’m Christian. And I’m also cool with evolution and the redistribution of wealth for us peasants. The Creation Story is a great story rich with metaphor. Too bad critical reading skills are not valued in most modern churches. But if God is such an “intelligent” designer, then the stock market must be rigged! In my humble opinion, Ben Stein came before the egg. -N