I Was A Teenage… Blog!

Happy Reformation Day, ya’ll!!!

So, for your holiday pleasure, here’s a video of The Monks:

— ND

I have to say, I cannot fault Rush.  Michael J. Fox had it coming.  If he’s willing to throw his hat into the political ring, he should expect that the kid’s gloves are off (actually, can he really wear them anyway with all the shakes)?  I also can’t be angry at Rush for mocking MJF.  It’s his right to be an asshole.  Believe me, if I know anything, I know assholes.

The crux of Rush’s argument is that Marty McFly is intentionally off his meds (a condition Rush is all to familiar with) to “enhance” his popping and locking in an effort to garner sympathy, OR he’s going to his bread and butter and acting (not faking like that lousy Superman Christopher Reeve) as a way to garner support.  Fox is a great actor, as evidenced by his 7 year stint playing Regan-loving yuppie Alex P. Keaton, but in all honesty, I’ve seen better performances of Parkinson’s.  Apparently, because Rush watches Boston Legal (and MJF doesn’t twist and twitch enough on the show), Fox can turn it on and off as he pleases.  So aside from having terrible taste in television, Rush also is the authority on Parkinson’s tremors (which featured Kevin Bacon and Michael Gross who was in Family Ties with Michael J Fox!).  I’ll let you decide whether or not Marty McFly is a faker: see the ad here.

Anyway, I could go into how it was in poor taste to go after a guy with Parkinson’s, but in the end, I’ve mocked too many people to be taken seriously (although I was in agreement with Rush when he said Terri Shiavo wasn’t acting like enough of a vegetable).

Whether Rush is right or wrong, I think most people are missing the point.  Marty McFly is a national treasure.  He’s right up there with Cabbage Patch Kids and Tickle Me Elmo, the president and SUVs.  To attack Michael J. Fox is to attack the very fabric of our beloved pop culture (which passes for the real deal here in the states).  So maybe Rush is actually doing stem-cell research a favor.  If there’s one thing Americans like, it’s the under dog (and Underdog, of course), and I can totally see people rallying behind Stuart Little as he takes on the Blob.

But hang on just a sec; not to be outdone, the opposition to stem-cell research is throwing out their own ad in a virtual who’s who of second bananas, as a way to sway those voters who are moved by celebrities and politics.

So much like Rush, instead of going after the issue, I’ll go after the easy stuff:  “Patricia Heaton?!…didn’t everybody stop loving Raymond a while back? And how many times has Kurt Warner lost his starting quarterback spot? Come on, with all the ‘celebs’ they recruited you’d think they’d hire a decent lighting person and a set designer to give it less of a public access cable show feel!”

But then again, they did recruit Jesus himself, Jim Caviezel, so they must be right.  After all, the only iconic character Michael J. Fox ever played was this guy.  And everybody knows fake Jesus (wouldn’t that qualify FakeJesus as the Antichrist?) beats fake Teen Wolf.

Abram Valdez–c/s

P.S.:  Note to self …If you plan on attacking someone personally, at least make sure it’s funny.

These guys aren’t creme puffs.

These guys rock!

I know Texas was taken away from indigenous people by germs, steel, and guns…

But I can’t help it.

I’m voting for David Van Os for Attorney General of Texas and Hank Gilbert for Texas Agricultural Commissioner.

– ND

P.S. Thanks, Gonzo, for the links.

I’m sure the Tuna put him in just to shut the fans up… but I digress.

At halftime, my friends from high school kept talking about how they wanted to see Saw III this Thursday.

And I’m all like, “Whooptie fricken do! In a few weeks ya’ll could have a much better seat. Believe me!”

And they’re all like “What? What are you talking about?”

So I tell them about the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the same one I keep harping on this here blog.

“That’ll never happen to us,” they say. “We’re not terrorists. We have nothing to hide.”

“Yeah, sure, but what if Bush wakes up funny one day, decides he’s a Redskins fan, and sends all the Cowboys fans to Cuba?”

“Then we’ll all be enjoying the finest in Cuban cigars,” my smartass friend says, to which I reply, “Yeah, finest cigars lit up your lantern ass!”

Just to playfully bum them out some more, I told them about that Iraq war hero who jumped off a seven-story hotel to his death in New Orleans last week after strangling, chopping up, and then boiling his girlfriend.

Now, a word of advice to you fair bloglings out there:

Never explain in graphic detail the dismemberment of a young woman in front of a bunch of angry, drunken Cowboys fans, because they might not handle it too well.

Instead, change the subject, and “support the troops” one cookie at a time.

— ND

I’ve been sitting on this for a week because the tack just wasn’t that sharp.  But now, I’m getting a pain in my ass. 

Tan-ning can be hazardous.   I thought that the Voting Rights Act of 1965 protects citizens who freely exercise their right to vote, even those immigrants who are legal and now naturalized.  

I know that many who saw the immigration rallies this summer were a little panicked and not just because they couldn’t find a decent busboy in their favorite restaurant.   I can’t even begin to fathom all those people (the legal ones, since they’re the only ones that count, right) showing up to the polls.    Said Strom Thurman’s white-sheeted ghost, “Christ, what’s gonna happen when these beaners actually become naturalized citizens and actually exercise their rights to vote?  This could be catastrophic, especially since no one else is showing up to vote.” I keep waiting for the letter from Nyguen’s office that gets posted on the doors of all of those evil liberals in the entertainment industry that says they must pay a poll tax before they vote.    Of course it will have to be singed by one of the GOP’s favorite pages, Sum Yung Guy.    Also, will this in any way affect the way Officer Harry Truman Ioki votes?

And I thought voting and race was the kind of thing that only went on in Survivor.  The tribe has spoken?

c/s   

We’ve got this pool going on at work to see which one of us is going to Guantanamo Bay first.

I bet against myself.

My reasoning?

Always bet on black!

No, seriously, I stay up at night worrying that they won’t pick me up on Halloween night while I’m in my Muhammad Ali costume.

I mean, I spent so much time developing Pugilistic Parkinson’s disease I don’t want to waste it.

That’s okay, I guess, since we’re all in the same boat now —

— now that the president can interpret international law, determine who is or is not a terrorist, and lock us away anyway without us knowing the charges or seeing a court, justice, or judge all without any congressional oversight.

But as you can probably tell, I’m not really stressing about it.

It’s the weekend!

Now, it’s not that I doubt that I’m going to get arrested on suspicions of terrorism as defined by the president.

Actually, I’m more concerned about how I’m going to train Sen. John McCain to be my beotch in jail.

Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but if they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, we can sure make something out of him, right Mo?

The cure to this duck-duck-torture game this administration is playing is pretty simple.

Organize and rise up!

— ND

First Pluto…  and now this.  R.I.P. lil’ buddy. 

“May you be in heaven an hour before the devil finds out you’re missing.”

 Abram–c/s

This is Crissy Moran.

She found Jesus recently.

Where Crissy found Jesus exactly, I don’t know.

But she’s not the only pornstar to find Jesus.

Shelley “Roxy” Lubben found Jesus in the ‘90s after she found an STD first.

Now, Shelley is helping Crissy, whose real name is Christina, leave the porn industry.

Good for her.

And it’s unfortunate that Crissy’s buddies at the XXXChurch have gotten some flack from certain Christians who don’t like the “Jesus Loves Pornstars” Bible they’ve made to teach pornstars about Jesus.

How “adult” is that?

Doesn’t that just totally shit on God’s unconditional love?

I think so.

Remember Mary Magdalene?

What I can’t understand either is why this Republican congressman from Florida thought he could smear his Democratic opponent by comparing him to Hugh Hefner!

I mean, the idiot just gave the male vote away at the same time he insulted women voters!

It just goes to show that self-righteousness can and does bite back.

But don’t get me wrong:

Crissy could still be a pornstar, if she wanted, and love Jesus, too — she just has to love Jesus more.

It’s just like I can be a blogger and love Jesus, too, only it’s a better idea that I love Jesus more.

If not, it’s all just window-dressing.

— ND

This is how it starts:

Laugh all you want, but the fish just threw down the gauntlet.  To be fair, we probably threw down the gauntlet first with the way our fishing is depleting the oceans. 

But now it’s their turn!   Maybe it was the way they were portrayed in Jaws.  Maybe it was all of the exposure we gave those cutesy dolphins (”No, we’re not fish!  We’re mammals!”).  But this sounds like a war cry. 

And don’t tell me this isn’t a message.   They took out the strongest of us all in Steve Irwin, and now, they’re attacking our elderly.  As a matter of fact, according to evolution*, we supposedly came from fish!  Why didn’t we see this coming?!  Well this is it folks, a line has to be drawn in the sand!  It’s time to separate the land lovers from the fishfaces.   I challenge Congress… In fact, I challenge the president (especially with his affinity for fishing) to “git-r-done”.

In the meantime, I’m taking up the cause myself.   I’m recruiting the Minutemen to further protect our borders by joining me.  We can even start at the Rio Grande (a channel into the Gulf of Mexico).   My solution:  all of us, all at once, pee into the ocean.  Let’s send a message to Flipper.  Try swimming in the mucky much that is my urine, illgills.   

“Save a Human; Eat a Salmon!”

Abram Valdez–c/s

*disclaimer: Evolution not available in all 50 states.