I Was A Teenage… Blog!

Hey kid, what about liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

The following is an impersonation of Jerry Seinfeld by I Was A Teenage Podcast’s Nathan — as if Seinfeld would ever question why “camps” are now suddenly cool with political and religious activists:

“So what’s the deeeeeeel with “camps” nowadays? One minute, it’s “Camp Casey,” and the next minute, it’s “Camp Democracy.” Now it’s “Jesus Camp!” Do we need a camp for every religious and social movement in America? I say once and for all, we kill camps, except for Camp Crystal Lake. There’s nothing wrong with movies that depict homicidal maniacs and their mothers slaughtering teens engaged in recreational drug use and pre-marital sex. How else are actors like Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover going to make it big in the film industry?”

FIN

— ND

Once Bitten, Twice Sh—BRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!

I didn’t buy crap yesterday. Not because Kalle Lasn suggested I not. But because zombie Santas had infiltrated all the malls around town. It was sad watching all the children (regardless of naughtiness or niceness) getting their flesh gnawed off on via 5 o’clock news. Damn shame. Oh, well. All’s fair in love ‘n’ commerce.Anyways, the dates for the 2006 Santa Rampage have recently been announced for the DFW and Houston areas. I haven’t heard anything about Austin Rampage yet. I’ve never participated in any Santacon outings, but want to. The whole deal involves dressing up in cheap-ass Santa Claus costumes with a bunch of buddies and other random people for a couple of crazy nights of pub crawling. Who’s going?

— ND

Hey, if you want to spoil the pristine Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving you’re having with your relatives today, read this story “No Thanks to Thanksgiving” by UT journalism professor Robert Jensen outloud during your mealtime prayer.And then, read this blog.

Jensen fails to point out an interesting little tidbit of history. Native Americans aren’t the only ones that hate Thanksgiving. Americans living in the South — especially Dallas, Texas — hate Thanksgiving, too. At least the old-timers do, anyway. Why? Abraham Lincoln and that whole Civil War thing.

But Honest Abe, with the best of intentions, was trying to be a nice guy to the South when he ordered that a parade be performed by some guy named Macy to honor all the balloons that died during the battle of Gettysburg. Why he scheduled the parade on the same day as the Dallas Cowboy game is beyond me, but it’s the thought that counts, right? (Wait, that’s another holiday. Ah, forget it.)

Anyway, the scripture readings in our Thanksgiving Eve church service last night support Abe’s spirit of reconciliation. Check out the end of Deuteronomy 26: 1-11 where it says something like “Then you, together with the Levites and the aliens who reside among you, shall celebrate with all the bounty that the LORD your God has given to you and to your house.”

Hey, Bob, it’s cool that you’re sticking up for Native Americans on Thanksgiving, but white privilege hurts white people, too, remember? Maybe instead of imposing our righteousness on others, we should let them eat a meal in any way they like. Humanity shouldn’t be forced on people who don’t want it. Mark Twain said that. At least he should have.

— ND

He died with the most toys, theoretically, of course.

Neoliberal economist Milton Friedman died last Thursday.

Don’t everyone cheer at once!

To mourn, I’m reading Peter Barnes’ new book Capitalism 3.0 via Acrobat Reader.

Barnes argues for a new stage of capitalism that reintroduces and reinvigorates the concept and use of “the commons” into society.

In other words, if Friedman stole my virginity, Barnes borrowed it for educational purposes… because I obtained a Creative Commons Licence saying as much.

I feel so dirty yet so liberated at the same time.

Here’s some T(I)NC:

—ND

Yeah, I’d screw Eddie Izzard, only if he’d quit acting like a girl!!! — James Bond
Ugh! The new James Bond film got tons of free media coverage on CNN last Tuesday. All the hyped controversy over a “Blond Bond” was just too much for me, so I called in the SPECTRE television demolition service to deep-six my boob tube. They did such a good job I decided to invest in their anti-satellite laser technology. Anyway, my life is a lot quieter now that we don’t have a TV set. In fact, it’s brought everyone together to appreciate the traditional ways of life from yesteryear — like gathering around the fire place with hot cups of coco while Jack Frost whistles against the window as we spin old yarns from Greek mythology, of Odysseus stabbing the eye from Cyclops’ head. Oh, I don’t know what I’d do without good old-fashioned family values. I’m still going to go see Casino Royale though. Eva Green is a hottie!!!

— ND

MySpace must rig its popular blog selections, like Diebold rigs elections. I was noticing that a blog from the Suicide Girls knocked out the Kevin Smith blog for the “most popular blog” on MySpace on Nov. 14. Could it be that perhaps MySpace is in the business of rigging erections? In that case, somebody up there in MySpace HQ must like some nice round and hairy comic book dork ass! May the “Hell, yeah! I’d screw Silent Bob’s hairy ass! He’s a millionaire!!!” comments begin… I don’t care. I just post a picture Bush in drag. Does that make me eligible for membership in the Log Cabin Republicans?

— ND

My Grandma Diebenow would have loved Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. ***Spoiler Alert*** There’s a scene in which Borat washes his face with water from a toilet bowl … that would have made my grandma die laughing, you know, had she been alive to laugh. She believed that the Cossaks (???), being the backward rural country bumpkin yahoos she thought they were, had no idea what toilets were used for, so they washed their potatoes in them. I’ll have more to say in my review of the audience whom with I saw Borat during next week’s podcast, that is, if we ever do another podcast! It’s been like three weeks since our last one!!! Oh, the humanity!

— ND

Well, it looks like I spoke too soon.

Time magazine is reporting now that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, and other senior military and civilian officials will be indicted next week in a German court — the International Criminal Court, that is! They will be charged with crimes related to the prisoner abuse scandal at Abu Ghraib and the conditions of Guantamano Bay detention center. Check out the story by clicking here.

— ND

Peace activists hate football. They think that the sport promotes violence to youths. I happen to think they’re wrong. It’s like saying smoking pot leads to shooting heroin, and we all know where pot really leads, don’t we?

No, American football is a much safer alternative to say — oh, I don’t know — nuclear war! I can’t say the same thing about soccer, though. Perhaps if soccer hooligans started smoking pot more instead of drinking ale, the world or at least the World Cup would be a little bit mellower.

As for Texas, I hope that the only bombs dropped on the new stadium the people of Arlington are financing for the Dallas Cowboys will be in the form of heavier taxes on the franchise. (Talk about a land grab! ) Well, those and bombs from Romo to T.O.

— ND

Robert Reich (President Bill Clinton’s former secretary of labor) thinks he knows what the American public is tired of (“mudslinging”) and what the Democrats should do (not investigate nor impeach President Bush and the members of his administration responsible for the illegal war in Iraq) in their next two years.

He’s probably right but for the wrong reasons.

I mean, how does he know what the American people really want?

The American people have yet to be informed of the “high crimes” Bush has performed as well as of the evidence of “crimes against humanity” the administration has committed over the last six years against the people of Afghanistan, Iraq, the U.S. Gulf Coast, and Africa.

The truth is out there, though the mainstream media and the corporate Democrats don’t want to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Undoubtedly, it’s because both the press and the Blue Dogs are co-conspirators.

But that’s okay. At least Britney and K-Fed are still together!

What? Did I miss something?

— ND