I Was A Teenage… Blog!

(Someone caption this picture.)

President Gerald Ford, 93, died this past Tuesday. Depending on how you look at it, Ford either stole the thunderous exit of the Godfather of Soul or followed his lead. I happen to think that either way, Ford is a schmuck who couldn’t leave well-enough alone. I mean, from beyond the flippin’ grave, one minute he’s blasting Bush for invading Iraq, and the next he’s admitting that he pardoned President Nixon because they were such good friends. A real friend would have intervened before his buddy did anything illegal. Besides, if Nixon had gone to jail over the Watergate scandal to begin with, we would have had Shrub think twice about lying to Congress and the American people. Thanks, Ford. You’re some patriot. — ND

It’s alive! ALIVE!!!

A new breed of spirits is going to hit the market this year. But winos are already upset because it was processed by unregulated, genetically-modified yeast, producing what has been termed as “Frankenwine.” Me worried? No way. This batch is right up my generation’s alley. Back in the 1980s, the breakfast-cereal industry prepped us for these franken-products. In fact, I’d say that it’s about time the “Nazi-modified wine” hit the shelves considering the popularity of one particular product, if you know what I mean. I guess that makes Pee Wee Herman the new Joseph Goebbels, huh? — ND

Living In A Memory

It’s hard for me to believe that the “Godfather of Soul” joined the greatest band in the sky earlier this morning. What’s more disturbing is that visions of Eddie Murphy doing his James Brown impersonation are getting the sugar-plums high on Angel Dust in my head. On that note, fire up the hot tub! I need a new bag. — ND

I wish I had thought of it: Air America radio listeners in Madison, Wis. staged a mock funeral procession in protest of their station’s demise last Wednesday. Now, if we can only get investors and advertisers to resurrect AA’s old Dallas affiliate. You’d think it would be possible since Dallas County turned blue this past election cycle.

— ND

Texans United for Families Call Attention to Hutto Family Detention Center

My doctor sent me a link to this blog about families being held in a corporate-controlled prison in Taylor, Texas.

The families are there as a result of a relative who happens to be undocumented worker from Mexico awaiting his/her due process.

Every single one of the family members — baby children included — have to wear uniforms with their names on them inside the prison — which by the way receives a dollar for every day each inmate is held there.

If you’re outraged by all this, contact your representatives and tell them what you think.

I mean, if a few hundred liberals can save an Air America radio station from going off the air, then things might change for the 400-or-so human beings in Hutto.

But if you really want to send a message that the news media, the prison system, and the federal government will get, then find a way to have the families inside the Taylor prison wear Santa Claus costumes this Christmas.

Hell, make sure every undocumented worker coming north over the U.S./Mexican border wears a red Santa outfit. No one in their right mind would mess with a whole brigade of jolly-old elves, no matter the color of their skin, right?

Then again, Santa costumes are my answer for everything. That and water parks.

— ND

Congratulations to Britain for approving the construction of the world’s biggest offshore wind farm!

I was so happy when I heard the news today that I, um, kinda got carried away in trying to help our limey neighbors get a jumpstart on their wind power.

Yeah, my aim was a little off, and I singed this guy’s eyebows, but luckily, he accepted my apology, and we went out for ice cream and stuff. We’re seated in the back.

— ND

I just read a bunch of reviews of Blood Diamond, and I’m very disappointed in Jennifer Connelly. Why won’t she work with The Muppets anymore? Are they not “clean” enough for her? Should they be screened through an international “Henson Process” first? Ah, these Hollywood liberals make me sick. I need to straighten my head with some Fraggle Rock.

— ND

Everyone pretty much knows President Bush’s weakness (i.e. the truth), but the truth is that impeaching him requires more political will than is currently found in Congress, even with the Democrats in power. I doubt impeachment proceedings will take place in the next two years; however, none may be needed if war crimes are charged against him as a private citizen. But there again, it comes down to political will: will Americans allow one of their presidents to stand trial in international court?

— ND

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer has a great little heart-warming story that is sure to slay you with statistics. Reading it would probably be a more humane death than lethal injection or lethal Gibson.

— ND